Prayer and Fasting as a Form of "Tantrum Yoga"

Cliff View Resort

(near Rogers, KY)

August 28, 2011

4:26 p.m.

Prayer and Fasting as a Form of “Tantrum Yoga”

Don’t just DO something.  Stand there!

I must apologize for that last blog, “My Old Kentucky Home:  Where Push Came to Shove.”  I probably lost half of my readers by spilling my guts in that way about a family dispute.  On re-reading I felt embarrassed and quickly revised it.  It was unprofessional, unfocused, way too long, and just plain bad writing!  Mea culpa.

On the other hand, there is a bright side.  At least I have had the opportunity to discover that what I am upset about is exactly why I am on a cross-country walkabout “imagining a world where women are equally-valued decision makers in partnership with men.”  I had no idea how angry I was, because I had almost never -- in my whole life -- allowed myself the luxury of feeling anger focused at another person!    That is, until I went head to head with my daughter’s husband, Richard.

To have arrived at this advanced age and suddenly discover a roiling sea of anger seething inside of me?  Why it’s just plain shocking!   Let’s face it, I really have issues with men!  And Richard, is the one who is allowing me to experience that in spades.  I probably should be grateful to him for playing that role in my life.  I’m not quite there yet, but I am working on it.  

I suspect I am not alone, especially in that group of women over 50 who were taught to be quiet and submissive and not make waves.  My own mother was very mild and deferential to my father when she was younger, but as she got older, after two divorces, she became a curmudgeon.  I remember her hitting my husband -- her son-in-law -- with her purse in a parking lot, shouting, “You don’t deserve this family.”  It was tragi-comical at the time, but she had a point, and there was some justification.

I also saw my grandmother unleash a tirade at my father -- her son-in-law -- in our front yard.  She was almost hysterical.  My father looked down upon her pathos in a patronizing way.  Is it something about mothers-in-law?  Do they feel empowered to speak up in their later years when they may not have been able to while they were raising their families?  Is that what is happening to me?  Should this blog really be titled, “In Defense of Mothers-in-Law.”  Do we get to a point where we are “Mad as hell and just can’t take it anymore?”  The 17th century playwright William Congreve tapped the roots of women’s anger profoundly when he penned: 

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, 

Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

After I wrote and (too hastily) published the last blog, I decided to fast and pray and invite Spirit to guide me, because clearly I had lost all perspective and needed to declare a moratorium on all actions and decisions -- giving myself a chance to look at things from all sides.  For the past four days (except for a crumb of bread and a thimble of wine at a church service) I have had only water, and one cup of coffee each morning.  I’m not sure how long I will continue.  Jesus fasted 40 days in the wilderness to conquer the ancient foe, Satanas.  The Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree in meditation until he achieved enlightenment.  

During my fast I have talked and prayed with a number of people.  It has helped to find compassionate listeners who can use their insights to shed light and offer new perspectives.  Still I am full of sadness and grief, and I cannot shake the fear and embarrassment over the tyranny of simply having emotions that I cannot control.  Fasting allows me to have a tantrum in slow motion and observe what it is really all about.  

For example, last night I was inspired to write down just what I am upset about.  It is the feeling that I have compromised with boundary violators in very unhealthy ways.  Here is what I wrote:

“What part of ‘NO’ don’t you understand?  I will no longer be 

threatened, shamed, guilt-tripped, bullied, influenced, coaxed, baited-and-switched, lobbied, debated, manipulated, strong-armed, railroaded, cajoled, brainwashed, led, sold, won over, humored, backed into, co-opted, encouraged, bribed, ‘counseled,’ tempted, bought, tricked, bludgeoned, convinced, forced, deceived, browbeaten, badgered, hounded, harassed, pressured, seduced, propositioned, sweet-talked, tortured, debated, ‘jawboned’ or otherwise talked into

thinking, saying or doing anything that is not in my best interests.”  

Now some questions arise immediately:

• What are boundaries?  
• In God’s view are there such things? 
• Do I always know my best interests?  
• Am I a boundary violator without even knowing it?  Moi?

Boundary violators care more about their interests than the “owners” of the territories they are invading.  When it is “your” territory, they are often convinced you don’t know your own boundaries.  This is the perfect set up for a “trespass,” or a “grievance.”  

Then again, if life is all about growing spiritually, how can I learn except by making incorrect choices and then learning to choose once again?  

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions.  But I do know this: While fasting allowed me to slow down and deconstruct my emotional upset, putting a magnifying glass on it, so to speak, still, it is the prayer that makes the difference.  Prayer means that I have the intention to have a breakthrough, no matter what, and it acknowledges that I cannot do this by myself.

The key issue, at least from the wounded ego’s point of view, seems to be domination, and how to avoid it.  It is the fear of not being in control of one’s own life and resources, and frankly, feeling unsafe from predators.  In the present case, I have never felt such insecurity before.  As I am about to go into a meeting with Viveka and Richard to attempt to resolve some of our issues and move forward through our impasse I am just noticing, and observing. . . and wondering how it will all turn out. . .

A lot is riding on having a breakthrough in communication.  If we cannot, I am prepared to go on to D.C. alone, and frankly it saddens me to consider that.  In any case, may God help me -- and us -- to find a resolution that leads to spiritual growth.  

Peace is the goal -- though not at ANY price.  If I can have this victory over my self, the whole world will benefit.  Of this I am certain.